*Long Post Alert*
A lot has been doing the rounds since we got to know yesterday's news. Yes, I am referring to it as "news" because it IS news - nothing more, nothing less. We are going to ruminate over it for a day or two, perhaps for a few weeks or a little longer. This may sound oh-so-negative but it is true. And it isn't that bad. We've lived yesterday's day, had our meals, slept well (or intermittently) - all of these are positive signs that we are living and looking forward to the next day.
The other thing is, we haven't taken mental illness that seriously yet. Because it is not visible. Is it a fever? Do you have stomachache? Are your motions loose? Nope! Then all is okay. Because no one can see how the brain functions, how the mind manipulates and how it wreaks havoc in the lives of the person in question.
Beyond a point, it starts manifesting physically but do we realize to what extent has something gone for the mind to show physical symptoms! It's like those submarines bombarding in the deep blue sea and the whales' ears bleeding so much that they come to the shores and die there!
For someone who has been through all of this - clinical depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, contemplating suicide - let me tell you, it's far from bad. But I am also someone who is out of it (presently). My psychiatrist used to say, it's like an elastic - it's been stretched so much that it can never go back to normal now. So, I know I may dip into this state anytime but I am getting used to this new normal. I am more prepared for the upcoming panic attack than I was for the last. My mental unwell-being has taught me a lot.
Over the last few years, I have been grappling to learn ways to sort it, to fix it, to cure it, to live with it. I am grateful to all the mental health professionals who supported me in my journey. But, most importantly, I am grateful to all those episodes and my mental health issues. They have contributed to my life and given me the wisdom I carry today.
Of the many things I tried, the recent one was my journey of self-love that I had my friend Madhurima Mazumdar hold my hand and take me along. In this journey, I had to discover my authentic self - the one that resides beyond the clouds of depression and anxiety. Even when it rains and the clouds may be dark, but the Sun is always there, right behind them - magnanimously showering its light on the world. Our inner authentic self is that sun. We need to push the clouds aside to let the sun shine upon us. And no one else can do that except us because the sun lies inside of us - just as the mind and the thoughts and the negative patterns.
There are a lot of things that I learned in this journey but I will tell you the most important ones (not that they are the "bingo" answer to depression and mental health issues but they help)
1. Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Look at yourself in the mirror and talk to yourself the way you want to be spoken to.
It may sound childish and easy-peasy but it is NOT. For someone with anxiety issues and depression, looking into someone's eye is like facing a tiger. And if that someone is they themselves, it's worse to say the least. Needs a lot of practice but do it.
They say, you should stop expecting from others and love yourself enough to not need others' love. That's BS. We are social animals and we need each other. But as we love ourselves more and more, we need others less. And as this dependency breaks, we start feeling powerful. An important feature of mental health issues is the feeling of powerlessness. So this exercise takes care of that.
Also, we need to "love" the other person, not "need" them. That in itself is so wrong and unfair on ourselves as well as the other person. Think about it.
2. Say "IT IS OKAY"
Yes, even no one says that to you, you say to yourself "It is Okay". There is no need to carry the guilt or "forgive" yourself. There is a need for acceptance. And before the world accepts you, you need to "accept" yourself.
Think of yourself as a child, perhaps a 3-YO that breaks the TV remote. You have your options: you can yell at it, you can punish the child, you can forgive the child or support their behavior or you can just say "It's Okay" because you know the child doesn't understand. You can forgive someone who understands their mistake. But if someone doesn't, you can't do much about it apart from saying "It is Okay".
You are that child. You are making mistakes because you are the 3-YO. You are yet to become a 13-YO to understand that the remote musn't be thrown around and broken. (3 or 13 are just numbers. Wisdom comes at the right time. Age doesn't matter)
Most people (at least in my case I was) are depressed because no one said "It is okay" to me. I kept punishing myself, sinking in negative thought patterns. Now I know that I shouldn't wait for anyone. I say it to myself, "It's Okay" for everything.
I remember once (when I was at the peak of PTSD), I had just boiled milk, put a lid on it keeping it half covered, took butter out of the fridge and kept the block directly on the lid. Obviously it melted within seconds and it fell into the fresh milk!
I reprimanded myself much more than anyone in my family did. In fact, they were nice. They didn't say a word. I kept thinking to myself "How could I do it!" I told this to my psychiatrist and he said "It's okay. Happens" but it fell upon deaf ears. Today, I realize that I should have said "It's okay" to myself. But, as I said earlier, wisdom comes at its own merry time and that is the right time.
3. Say "This too shall pass. I am with you. I will never leave you"
That brings me to the next and the last pointer. Say to yourself, this what you are stuck in is temporary. It will pass. We will get through this. "I am with you and I will never leave your hand". Reassure yourself like you want to hear from someone else. Because someone else may say it and you may still not trust it. Your mind is not well. It will not believe their word. But it will believe what you say.
It's again like a 3-YO. It is unwell. The doctor says, you will be fine. But it doubts his/her words. The mother says the same to the 3-YO and it believes her immediately. Because the child trusts the mother more than anyone else. She feeds the child, does everything to keep the child happy and healthy and loves her unconditionally.
That's what we got to do. Love ourselves unconditionally.
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